i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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