I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
