i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
