he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
