remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
