Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
