when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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