What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
