It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
