peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
