I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
