It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
