I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
