I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Randomize
