One girl and one boy is just not enough.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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