Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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