My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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