how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
