You really coming over, don't trick.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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