There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
