I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
