we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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