just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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