i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
