I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just had sex on a roof
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
