I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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