went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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