So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
