my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
