my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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