I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I could fuck to npr.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
