3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
