another moral hangover. fuck.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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