i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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