just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
