Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
