We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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