Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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