How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
