i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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