there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
