Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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