I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
