I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
