My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
