Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
