Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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