He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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