I cannot find my penis.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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