Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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