Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
50% drunk capacity currently
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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