did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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