apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
