Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
