i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
